Wednesday, September 24, 2008

just watched a moving documentary called Earth from Above. today was about water and dams and its both beautiful (the free waterfalls) and sad (the trapped rivers). have been watching this series and always never fails to touch me - how some ppl fight so hard for a worthy cause, to save the earth we live in. perhaps living in a city, we forget how beautiful our world actually is. or take it for granted. actually not-so-beautiful anymore. it once was. the glory past.

but from the beautiful photography u can catch a glimpse of how beautiful the earth really is. the flood plains and marshes of the Savannah. the biologist was wading in the marshes, hand in hand, or rather, hand-in-nose with the elephant. and how happily the animals frolic in the marshes, the beautiful wild scenery, the calm of the indigenous fishermen collecting their netted fish in the sunset. there is a pact and signed agreement abt the preserving of the marshlands in Africa but the ever-present threat of damming up the river still remains. and all those who depend on the river. so fragile. can be lost so easily.

the atrocities committed in argentina and the forceful eviction of people from their homes just to make way for the dam. how the man almost cried as he recounted wt he has lost since his youth. how he fights so hard, but against the impossible. how huge the dam is, how powerful, how much money, how much corruption, how much embezzlement. (i think perhaps this is the most political statement i hv ever made in my life. i dun hv any political standing. hope no one in argentina govt reads it then come and ham-tam me. dun cry for me argentina).

i see how ppl set up NGOs and how passionate they are abt saving wt the cherish. wt used to be a wide flowing river of life is now a stagnant cesspool of rotting tree stumps. fish die. the river gets poisoned. the concrete wall has so destroyed the fragile ecosystem. so upsetting. i hate dams.

actually tv is supposed to be relaxing not supposed to make u feel agitated. documentaries normally give me a happy feeling but not this one. other documentaries make me sad like last time i saw how the polar bear got no more ice bergs to sit on then he swim until v tired and he died. but this documentary makes me feel like something CAN and SHOULD be done. makes me feel like marching on the streets to denounce global warming, wastage and refuse, and building of dams. but instead i just sit here.. i see, i hear, but i cant do anything. someone pls stop the govts, the conglomerates, the MNCs who exploit so much.

what can i do? how can i help? i really dont know.. i think i need a small farm with a sheep and grow my own vegetables.

maybe in singapore we are just apathetic to wt goes on ard us, living in our own lil red dot. but i think we can and should not ignore the plight that our earth is currently facing. living in a city we dont see the effects, but others are just so adversely affected it just scares me to think where will our earth be in 50 years time. where will our small farmers be, our rivers, our polar icecaps.

sometimes i just cant wait for the New Heavens and the New Earth.

restored beauty, restored perfection. where nothing will be spoilt.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

miserable. demoralizing.

really have a phobia of phone ringing already. esp that nokia tune. sends shivers up my spine. my life has never been ruled by a handphone. till now. eat dinner, bathe, wash dishes, everything must be chop chop. all ruled by The Phone. what a curse.

if only i just open my mouth and food comes in. (spoilt)

emotions swing to 2 sides - disgust and irritability, to unappreciation and exasperation.

disgust that nurses can call me at 5am and ask how come they fax for med but it hasnt arrived yet. or looking for their IMR. or that they ran out of such and such a med. for goodness sake. i'm at home. call the a&e.

unappreciation, that i call all over the place to look for a vaccine, only to get redirected from person to person. a rude person. finally relay a msg to my Dr, only to get questioned abt red-tape & the screwed up system. then another ph call. spent time looking at IV compatibilities, dont know what the china nurse is trying to say, distorting language, finally talk to a Dr who is r-u-d-e. not even a word of thanks.

Oh dear.

anyway.
i have done my job well. its up to u to complete your job.

maybe focus on how some nurses ask dumb qn then how we laughed. or how some really thank me (not gg to speculate if its fake or not). phone etiquette really makes a difference; esp when i received 34 calls already. imagine a poor phone operator receives 34 calls in half an hour. maybe focus on how at 2am a Dr called me & how incredibly chirpy he sounded. so chirpy like a bird and how he was chirping his thanks.

really finding it hard to shake off this negative cloud. 33 more hours. and i hate the sound of ringing phones.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

my life is ruled by a telephone

i jump when i hear that nokia ring tone. sounds like a nightmare now.
got woken up at 3.30am. then tried hard to get back to sleep. then ring again at 4am.

very tired

today was reminded that Coffee exists. i think i nv drink coffee in months.

really looking forward to freedom from this phone. now want to sleep also must put phone in strategic place. and feel v nervous all the time. this is killing me.

Day 3.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

my best fwen yinggai organized lunch today.. he said cos quek nv see me for a long time. actually i think he bluff its just cos he's my best fwen so he has to organize lunch. but really i think i nv see quek for 2 years. or even more. but quek nv change. just tt he look as sloppy as ever - yes i told him so. and he went 'wa piang' and laugh so loudly as usual. so funny. HAHA.
i think quek nv change. which is gd. same good old quek. maybe he has more ambitions now. more direction after gg for the internship. which is gd. seeing fwed too, doing wt he likes, under alot of pressure, alot of writings, alot of deadlines, but loving wt he does. and also laugh loudly. yinggai also. in his I-squared-R or R-squared-I whatever. enjoying himself so far. (by far the first person i ask, how is ur job and he answers okay, good good. WHOA. haahha). too bad i nv see denise. tho we laughed at her alot. or rather laughed at her heels.
so bad those guys. they dun understand heels. morons. denise i'm on ur side. and fwed said that you "-- ----- ----- -------". go and scold him.
just like i nv see my best fwen drain & one smell for one year. gosh. anyway
yinggai made me very upset today
  • he make lame joke and tell me to look for quek in the canteen not 'quack'
  • he called me Hui En
  • after that he tried to deny & said he got mixed up with my name
  • then he further try to deny & said he got mixed up with another person
  • after i poke him then he stop talking

so i think he is not my best fwen anymore. tho he walked a busstop to meet for lunch in NUS and was so so hot. anyway i will just degrade him to status #3. (even tho i think his prev status is #3)

fwed came along too, with his quote, eat first, dont wait for me, Time is Of Essense. so funny ahha

anyway day 1 of On-Call with 8 ph calls. 2 in the mrt. 2 during dinner. and one at 5am. for a totally unimportant thing, nurse complaining that she cannot get sodium bicarbonate inj. from a&e. hallo. its not life threatening. it can wait till 7.30. and hallo. its 5am. FIVE AM.

totally roll eyes.

big tired. smack hp. poo.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

the thunderstorm is past

the sky is clearing

yet leaving us walking in the puddles

puddles of uncertainty, of hope, of despair, of courage

humiliation
- of being screamed at by a psyc pt
- i know she's psyc. but i hv nv been so disrespected
- we are pharmacists; professionals, not counter girls

humbleness
- of which i must learn

tolerance
- of which i endure everyday, mentally

loss of direction
- i am just plodding along daily. waiting for smth to happen?
- for what?

frustration
- of work, of my life

excitement
- for yeeng who landed a job in england

uncertainty
- of which is part of life

guilt
- for what i hv made u suffer


vent
- that daggers we throw at each other in frustration


bleed
- to leave scars behind


glass box
- of which i am trapped in


distance
- the length between u and me

love
- about sharing

everyday
- you love me less

desolate
- me


fallen queen