i wish to die.

thank you : O]

memories bring happiness, not tears.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

Horatio Gates Spafford 1873

the words of this hymn is so poignant, barely disguising the sadness & anguish Spafford had upon losing his 4 daughters to a shipwreck. its amazing he was led in his overwhelming grief to pen this beautiful hymn to speak the eternal hope that all believers have, no matter what pain and grief befall them while on earth.

vomited on sunday and had 2 days mc. and crazily enough, i felt so happy. despite being pukey. okay vomiting was sucky, but the mc was great. slept my way thru the whole day, and that was such bliss. to just sleep and be a Koala. i woke, ate, slept, ate, slept. all my eye bags are gone! no nd to go to work. YAY. and just get pampered by my parents and play with my father and sheep (yes, von, its from u since 2002.). and having to pay only $2.50 to see the Dr. finally checking my mail and seeing smth from yeeng who talked in a small voice. i miss her. a sweet prayer. lil daily snippets of concern. the old teasing. that wonderful 8.5 minutes which brought much peace and joy. i hope there's no withdrawal, but rather, renewed strength to honour God, to keep to our promise, and to trudge this path with greater faith, greater hope.

: O]

all of us have our hopes and dreams. and when they come crashing to the ground, u drag yourself each day to live like a zombie. and everything is screaming in your head, telling u to give up, let loose, get out; and the torment doesnt leave u alone.

words, words, words of encouragement, words of delusion, words of sympathy, words of understanding. too many words. the searing pain has become so numb.

and i actually feel shocked that the world still goes on. feeling so alone in this journey, surrounded by people who cannot possibly even begin to understand. but worse of all, knowing u are alone too. my precious one. even more alone. pleading out in pain, but all i hear is my own echo, with each cruel reverberation shredding my heart into tinier pieces.

can God really hear me? i cant verbalize. He reads my soul, yes, i know He does. please hear me, please grant us peace.

10.24pm. i smiled.

how imagination can warp things to sound more sinister than they really are. on and on imagination runs, working you into a frenzy of despair and desolation. to wake up and feel like dying. the turmoil. and its given strength to be able to function out of my stupor, to work, to eat, to sleep.

but now there's peace again. i am stronger, braver. i still have a long way to grow.

: O]

dear God, please give us strength.

i am bleeding too much, beyond wt i can bear. don't let him crumble, hold him up..

'O God, have pity, for I am trusting you! I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until this storm is past'
Ps 57:1

i know i shldnt cry, for he would want me to be brave.

i know i shldnt cry, for he would hush me and wipe the tears from my eyes.

i know i shldnt cry, for we are finally walking in the light. to trust and obey.

i know i shldnt cry, for i'll put my faith in God for strength. and He will grant him daily strength too.

i know i shldnt cry, for he loves me so much to be able to let go. to let God.

i know i shldnt cry, for my heart is at peace.

i know i shldnt cry, for love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.