i promise to sleep at least 6 hours everyday.

really hope to keep that promise. does sleeping on the mrt count?

last week was possibly the happiest week that i have had in 8 months... thank you to my special friend who gave me a heart attack. i hope u loved our favourite place, just looking at the water that sparkles, reflecting the nightlight. all seems so calm and serene, soothing to the tumult that we have in our hearts. the breeze was great, and i think we saw a shooting star. tho u insist its a fallen UFO. to see the warm glow of the city, the beautiful lights of the fullerton, the bumboats carrying happy smiling laughing people. remember the time we were happy smiling laughing people too? we sat at the belly of the carp and sang ourselves silly one evening. now we sit, our legs dangling over the same waters, but with our hearts filled with wishes, hopes and dreams; our minds encumbered with a load of care. i love my special fwen.

to you - i remember your words that night, so many weeks ago, to be strong, to be brave. you said everything will be alright. the same scene, the same lights, the same gentle breeze. how your small eyes twinkled, how u wiped my tears away. and i could bury my face in my favourite place. i miss you. the same hope still holds, the same steadfast love. perhaps a lil lessened, braver pain, with a patience and trust replaced. walking in the light.


deliverance.

Justification, Adoption, Sanctification, Assurance.

if i cant remember the 4 great blessings, then it just means that its time for me to listen to the sermons again. and that will make me feel less empty as i travel home everyday after a hard day's work, and my imagination cannot taunt me. yes. brainwave.

n a side note, hand-foot-mouth diease can be deadly, if it leads to encephalopathy. the poor kid, over the weekend, now waiting for the phenytoin and lorazepam to wear off, so that they can certify her braindead. and its already a DNR case. to think, others just get off with terrible ulcers, while your child, a breathing vegetable. on a side-side note, remember to go for your vaccine titres and get your booster shots before u give birth. especially rubella. and also screen yourself and significant other half for thalassemia. not to mention hiv. its just gek so many tragedies can be adverted. ignorance is foolishness..

diseases, death, tragedy, 911. i still have yet to answer my own question, of how sanctification is a blessing. it is said a mother eagle will one day destroy her own nest, and push her bewildered eaglets off the tree. as they plunge down hurtling towards the earth, flapping their wings wildly and desperately, mother eagle scoops them up, saving them from the brink of death. then up she soars, carrying them along to feel the rush and exhilaration of the powerful swoop in the skies. then lets them go. they struggle again, flapping feebly, but still hurtle towards the earth. thats how all eagles learn to fly. to learn to be masters of the sky.

but...

finished my 3 weeks in paediatrics. how i had so much to say, to tell, of those kids who are born all wrong, the agony and the guilt that their parents go thru to see their child in pain. how helpless medical care is to correct their extent of defect. to see deformities and developmental deficits in children who will never experience a normal life. unimaginable inborn errors. there is a sad story behind every child. to live behind a glass screen and think all humans wear masks, aprons and gloves. perhaps when angels take them away, do not weep. for although they cannot experience the joys in life, often, life has few joys. life is wrought with pain and suffering. sometimes its better not to live.

now i'm in ICU, where all patients are at peace. but outside is chaos and unimaginable agony for the family. the high-profile case of the guy who got slashed by his nephew that hit frontpages on thurs.. his face was a mess. the knife went into his cheek, through his eye and got lodged there. but the knife found the brain. in the evening, we just gave him his anaesthesia, analgesics and oxygen. and let him go. newspapers are cruel to interview the father of the murderer. his brother is dying, killed by his son is a mental murderer. today, his bed was empty. for the rest, i wonder when they wake up from their sleep, to realise they'll never be what they used to be, whether that would be worse than death.

everyday i see such pain. which makes my own pale in comparison to theirs. but. i envy them to be able to be sedated and unfeeling, in their ignorant drug-induced comatose state.

thankful for daily strength to cope
thankful for clinging onto Your hope
thankful for every blessed assurance
thankful for vanquishing this trance
thankful for your surprising maturity
thankful for God's everlasting surety
thankful for You hear me stifled pray
thankful You know words i cannot say
thankful for daily merciful grace
thankful for on me thine loving Face
thankful everything is in Your hands
thankful, a step into peaceful land.