have such an unsettled feeling. ughhhh..

leaving the day after tomorrow. and its not really alot of time since my flight is at 6am. so technically if u count down, its in just 30 hours. and one big luggage is still unpacked. STILL UNPACKED. and i still have misc stuff to pack in. my IT stuff. my stationary. SO UNSETTLED. feeling v stressed and upset. oh no!!!!!!

said goodbye to alot of fwens the past 2 wks.. many precious fwens. feel crushed by my pharm sisters & chem cousin outing. xq teared, which set off my tears. and today i met my mc + denise yinggai, & they gave me a handmade calendar. alot of effort and time, really v touched. so i'm leaving all my frens behind.

not to mention, family. pp is playing alot these few days. and mama also. my bro.

sigh, wt have i done. the enormity of this didnt hit me till now..

name: Yeeng
location: london
length of stay: 2 yrs

smiles captured: infinity
probably the fwen who makes me smile & laugh the most
the fwen i miss v much now

name: Meitoon
location: Australia
length of stay: 1 yr

smiles captured: all thru'out the MC term & beyond
a devoted volunteer who has passion to serve

name: fav crystal
location: australia
length of stay: 2 yrs

smiles captured: big, wide, and many
the gentlest and kindest of all my friends

the glory of a life, lived

but for a fleeting moment

like flowers blossom and wither

petals fall away

you, will be remembered

to ku-ku

till 30th Jan 2009

today i resigned.

after 9 months here training as a pre-reg, and 11 months as a pharmacist. bittersweet, i must say.

the bad times are really very very bad. patients made me cry at least on 2 occasions. out of exasperation. so many other times on the verge of tears. alot of angst and anger. yet cannot tell them off cos we are in the service industry. just hv to grit my teeth and bear with it. and i hate that. i am expressive. if i cant stand the sight of u i cant help but show it. so i'm really glad for nikki. cos we can bitch together, and she, like me, gets irritated easily. then it becomes very funny. i really respect people in the service industry. i will NEVER take them for granted again. and never leave any counter without saying thank you, or wishing them a good morning / good afternoon. it makes a world of a difference to a service staff. really.

some patients just want to make me cry and bang my head on the wall. i'm so sick of hearing complaints about waiting time, why medicine is so expensive, and why this why that. i am SO SICK of complaints. our society, is really a terrible society. not gracious at all. quite moronic. sickening society. but i learnt to be calm in the face of danger (screaming patient). to handle difficult situations. but still havent learnt the art of not being emotionally affected when a patient is upset. keep reminding myself its not a personal attack. but its really hard. think i walk away from this 9 months with a few scars.

the sweet things.

• my wonderful colleagues. i love NUH for its people. null office politics. cos i think we're all so busy we dun hv time for that anyway. but everyone is so nice, so wonderful. and we work in a team and in R1 is so busy and crazy but everyone hangs on together. the R1 girls are a crazy bunch. but so much team effort. camaraderie.
• my close friends here - roses + thorn + angeline szemian and nikki. roses & thorn went thru so much hardship of prereg together. huapey is a wonderful girl in 5A who never fails to cheer me up on stressful topup days or help with dispensing. jessica my partner, who held my hand with me thru the 9mth of training and encouraged each other during Cancer Centre days. jiat as always, wonderful, clever, a point of reference. honyen the highpitch and ever-sweet girl whose favourite phrase is we-will-hold-on-together, and so we did. david who is the thorn, for doing alot of our sai-kang and tolerating our nonsense. i love the roses + thorn
• mr yong. he is the BEST boss imaginable. imagine, before my wisdom tooth op he smses 'enhui be brave' and always concerned that i hv my meals and hv a goodnight rest. even individually smses ppl happy new year, not mass sms. very touching. despite the stress he faces he's always the calm face amist the chaos. and always has a smile for us.
• the sense of satisfaction when i make an important intervention with the Drs that changes the patient's treatment
• the smile on an old uncle / aunty's face when i greet them, and when we run thru the medicine together and they remember what their medicine is for and how to take it. and when they say thank you and goodbye with so much gratitute. then u know why u bear with everything, just for that smile, just for the knowledge that my job does make a difference.

maybe i will miss my job

O Love beyond compare,
Thou art good when Thou givest,
When Thou takest away,
When the sun shines upon me,
When the night gathers over me.

Thou has loved me before the foundation of the world,
And in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still,
In spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.

Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
Leading me through a twisting wilderness,
In retreat helping me to advance,
When beaten back making sure headway.

Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw anchor,
With Thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.

I bless Thee that thou has veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.

If Thou has appointed storms of tribulation,
Thou wilt be with me in them;

If i have to pass though tempests of persecution and temptation,
I shall not drown;

If i am to die,
I shall see Thy face the sooner;

If a painful end is to be my lot,
Grant me grace that my faith fail not;

If i am to be cast aside from the service i love,
I can make no stipulation;

Only glorify Thyself in me whether in comfort of trial,
As chosen vessel meet always for Thy use.

A Vision of Valley
A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions

the past 12 months. awfully long time. yet, it seems to fly by. we live only 80 years. 90 at best. and 1 year is just strangled away. to join the other Wasted Years. probably the most difficult year of my life.

mostly filled with hurt and anger, sadness and despair. yes i'm kinda relieved 2008 is over. but with lil comfort for 2009. why do u wish happy new year? its just a re-emphasis i'll never be happy. a further stab in the heart.

a struggle btw 'why isnt God doing anything in my life?' and 'what is God doing in my life and why am i not seeing it'.

james 1: 2-4 'My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.'

my new year resolution is to remember God has not forgotten me and all these sorrows, hurts and pains is because God is at work in my life. and God is faithful.

2009.
to trust in Him.

unsure, hesitant, tentative
shy

thoughts run amok
in my mind
my mind is an open field
with swaying grass, dotted with flowers
and Thought spreads her hands
raises it up to the sun and dances
and others follow suit
a field full of dance

so much to say
words in my mouth
but somehow silenced
overwhelmed by emotions
a silent dance

familiar, nostalgia, missing
reassured

put me in my dream
of flowers and green grass
of white dresses
of gazing into your eyes

put me in this dream
let me be Thought

uggghhhhhh

super bad monday blues. and its only Sunday 11.59pm. faintssssss

my monday blues get worse and worse. really making a diligent effort not to get so worked up at work. but i'm just a grump. to the extent tt i dun talk abt work to anyone, esp on weekends. esp in church i really just say, don't ask.

trying to remind myself of my nice colleagues. the real happiness in working life. very nice gang of ppl whom we went thru the thick and thins. viva!!!! this is us- finished pre-reg. certified pharmacists. heehee. just before jiat went off, we had a small dinner gathering at kopitiam

30th July 08: jiat, me, huapey, jessica, honyen & schmelly david

roses + thorn

Oct 08: thorn, honyen, huapey, me, nikki, jessica, angeline

still roses + a schmelly thorn

this is the happy R1 gang, with honyen gone off to HSA. we had a gathering (finally) after soooo long i think 3mths, and really had a great time catching up and laughing over stories & talking about nice Mr Yong.. prereg times.. of course nikki & angeline are such welcome additions to our Whine Club

well well.. a new month, a new roster. closing shop quite a few times, with nikki (yay) and david. actually david quite poor thing always kenna bullied by us - we throw him all the procodin drug addict look-a-like cases (poor him got stuck with one for half an hour) and also pass him the medicine basket with the parting remark 'pt a bit impatient alr'. then he kenna. really cover our backsides many times alr.

i think the whole gang of us really talk alot of nonsense. well, that makes life more tolerable. and of course, whining to each other. think got alot of emotional damage by now. haha.

and i so look forward to seeing my pharm sisters + chemistry cousin + lifesci lesbi. we used to meet every other week but i guess everyone prettty busy now. but we had 2 stayovers this mth which was VERY REFRESHING. i love my fwens very much.

okay. like xq says. think positive! i love mondays! yay!

trying to make myself happy...
thinking of life ahead, hopes and dreams

http://www.icetourist.is/

http://www.icetourist.is/

http://www.icetourist.is/

i cannot take leave and i'm super upset super dejected. just 2 days. TWO DAYS. 2 days in november yet cannot. so ridiculous. then my family will go bangkok without me. talk about work-life balance. just a bunch of crap.

my pharm sisters also face leave woes. our taiwan trip postponed from june 08 to august to november to march 09. so ridiculous.

hallo, taking leave is our right, not our priviledge. this is slavery.

just watched a moving documentary called Earth from Above. today was about water and dams and its both beautiful (the free waterfalls) and sad (the trapped rivers). have been watching this series and always never fails to touch me - how some ppl fight so hard for a worthy cause, to save the earth we live in. perhaps living in a city, we forget how beautiful our world actually is. or take it for granted. actually not-so-beautiful anymore. it once was. the glory past.

but from the beautiful photography u can catch a glimpse of how beautiful the earth really is. the flood plains and marshes of the Savannah. the biologist was wading in the marshes, hand in hand, or rather, hand-in-nose with the elephant. and how happily the animals frolic in the marshes, the beautiful wild scenery, the calm of the indigenous fishermen collecting their netted fish in the sunset. there is a pact and signed agreement abt the preserving of the marshlands in Africa but the ever-present threat of damming up the river still remains. and all those who depend on the river. so fragile. can be lost so easily.

the atrocities committed in argentina and the forceful eviction of people from their homes just to make way for the dam. how the man almost cried as he recounted wt he has lost since his youth. how he fights so hard, but against the impossible. how huge the dam is, how powerful, how much money, how much corruption, how much embezzlement. (i think perhaps this is the most political statement i hv ever made in my life. i dun hv any political standing. hope no one in argentina govt reads it then come and ham-tam me. dun cry for me argentina).

i see how ppl set up NGOs and how passionate they are abt saving wt the cherish. wt used to be a wide flowing river of life is now a stagnant cesspool of rotting tree stumps. fish die. the river gets poisoned. the concrete wall has so destroyed the fragile ecosystem. so upsetting. i hate dams.

actually tv is supposed to be relaxing not supposed to make u feel agitated. documentaries normally give me a happy feeling but not this one. other documentaries make me sad like last time i saw how the polar bear got no more ice bergs to sit on then he swim until v tired and he died. but this documentary makes me feel like something CAN and SHOULD be done. makes me feel like marching on the streets to denounce global warming, wastage and refuse, and building of dams. but instead i just sit here.. i see, i hear, but i cant do anything. someone pls stop the govts, the conglomerates, the MNCs who exploit so much.

what can i do? how can i help? i really dont know.. i think i need a small farm with a sheep and grow my own vegetables.

maybe in singapore we are just apathetic to wt goes on ard us, living in our own lil red dot. but i think we can and should not ignore the plight that our earth is currently facing. living in a city we dont see the effects, but others are just so adversely affected it just scares me to think where will our earth be in 50 years time. where will our small farmers be, our rivers, our polar icecaps.

sometimes i just cant wait for the New Heavens and the New Earth.

restored beauty, restored perfection. where nothing will be spoilt.

miserable. demoralizing.

really have a phobia of phone ringing already. esp that nokia tune. sends shivers up my spine. my life has never been ruled by a handphone. till now. eat dinner, bathe, wash dishes, everything must be chop chop. all ruled by The Phone. what a curse.

if only i just open my mouth and food comes in. (spoilt)

emotions swing to 2 sides - disgust and irritability, to unappreciation and exasperation.

disgust that nurses can call me at 5am and ask how come they fax for med but it hasnt arrived yet. or looking for their IMR. or that they ran out of such and such a med. for goodness sake. i'm at home. call the a&e.

unappreciation, that i call all over the place to look for a vaccine, only to get redirected from person to person. a rude person. finally relay a msg to my Dr, only to get questioned abt red-tape & the screwed up system. then another ph call. spent time looking at IV compatibilities, dont know what the china nurse is trying to say, distorting language, finally talk to a Dr who is r-u-d-e. not even a word of thanks.

Oh dear.

anyway.
i have done my job well. its up to u to complete your job.

maybe focus on how some nurses ask dumb qn then how we laughed. or how some really thank me (not gg to speculate if its fake or not). phone etiquette really makes a difference; esp when i received 34 calls already. imagine a poor phone operator receives 34 calls in half an hour. maybe focus on how at 2am a Dr called me & how incredibly chirpy he sounded. so chirpy like a bird and how he was chirping his thanks.

really finding it hard to shake off this negative cloud. 33 more hours. and i hate the sound of ringing phones.

my life is ruled by a telephone

i jump when i hear that nokia ring tone. sounds like a nightmare now.
got woken up at 3.30am. then tried hard to get back to sleep. then ring again at 4am.

very tired

today was reminded that Coffee exists. i think i nv drink coffee in months.

really looking forward to freedom from this phone. now want to sleep also must put phone in strategic place. and feel v nervous all the time. this is killing me.

Day 3.

my best fwen yinggai organized lunch today.. he said cos quek nv see me for a long time. actually i think he bluff its just cos he's my best fwen so he has to organize lunch. but really i think i nv see quek for 2 years. or even more. but quek nv change. just tt he look as sloppy as ever - yes i told him so. and he went 'wa piang' and laugh so loudly as usual. so funny. HAHA.

i think quek nv change. which is gd. same good old quek. maybe he has more ambitions now. more direction after gg for the internship. which is gd. seeing fwed too, doing wt he likes, under alot of pressure, alot of writings, alot of deadlines, but loving wt he does. and also laugh loudly. yinggai also. in his I-squared-R or R-squared-I whatever. enjoying himself so far. (by far the first person i ask, how is ur job and he answers okay, good good. WHOA. haahha). too bad i nv see denise. tho we laughed at her alot. or rather laughed at her heels.

so bad those guys. they dun understand heels. morons. denise i'm on ur side. and fwed said that you "-- ----- ----- -------". go and scold him.

just like i nv see my best fwen drain & one smell for one year. gosh. anyway

yinggai made me very upset today

• he make lame joke and tell me to look for quek in the canteen not 'quack'
• he called me Hui En
• after that he tried to deny & said he got mixed up with my name
• then he further try to deny & said he got mixed up with another person
• after i poke him then he stop talking

so i think he is not my best fwen anymore. tho he walked a busstop to meet for lunch in NUS and was so so hot. anyway i will just degrade him to status #3. (even tho i think his prev status is #3)

fwed came along too, with his quote, eat first, dont wait for me, Time is Of Essense. so funny ahha

anyway day 1 of On-Call with 8 ph calls. 2 in the mrt. 2 during dinner. and one at 5am. for a totally unimportant thing, nurse complaining that she cannot get sodium bicarbonate inj. from a&e. hallo. its not life threatening. it can wait till 7.30. and hallo. its 5am. FIVE AM.

totally roll eyes.

big tired. smack hp. poo.

the thunderstorm is past

the sky is clearing

yet leaving us walking in the puddles

puddles of uncertainty, of hope, of despair, of courage

humiliation
- of being screamed at by a psyc pt
- i know she's psyc. but i hv nv been so disrespected
- we are pharmacists; professionals, not counter girls

humbleness
- of which i must learn

tolerance
- of which i endure everyday, mentally

loss of direction
- i am just plodding along daily. waiting for smth to happen?
- for what?

frustration
- of work, of my life

excitement
- for yeeng who landed a job in england

uncertainty
- of which is part of life

guilt
- for what i hv made u suffer


vent
- that daggers we throw at each other in frustration


bleed
- to leave scars behind


glass box
- of which i am trapped in


distance
- the length between u and me

love
- about sharing

everyday
- you love me less

desolate
- me


fallen queen

call it panic / semi-inspiration / semi-motivation. more like a feeling of inadequacy. or motivation not-to-lao-kui-in-front-of-Dr. so therefore i am gg to study tonight. cos patient who is hiv positive decided to hv syphilis and also hv cryptosporidiosis. i dont think there exists another word with 3 'o's, 3 'i's 3 's's and 2 'r's. congratulations we all learnt a new word today. they shld put this on sesame street.

to simplify matters, its a protozoa. parasite thing. talking about parasites, i dont really like orchids. they feel spidery. i only like those with huge petals. such that they dont look very orchidy. dont like the spotty kind. so anyway. yes i digress, anyway. the Dr wanted nitazoxanide (i think there doesnt exist a word with 'x' and 'z' other than this. sesame street here u go). so the poor nurse came to me at 4.30pm (thanks). never heard of it in my life. think it sounds like a pesticide. haha gut feeling is right. anyways. now crossing fingers and hoping Dr will take the alternative paramomycin, which nice HP happened to chance upon 30 tab which we brought in a year ago. thats why i hv this inkling that during my pre-reg there was this paramomycin case that created waves. now i am sitting on one. whoohooo.

so gg / trying to read up on hiv treatment of HAART, syphylis tx and also this cryptosporidiosis. goodness i cant even spell it without looking at it twice.

time to mug

Ubin 9th August 08

(long anticipated by our Leader HR)

we awoke to a bright and sunny day, the sky a nice blue, the sea a nice blue, and the jetty a nice blue. too.

off we went on our lil chuggy boat to the offshore island of rural Ubin

(pronounced as ooh-bin)

me and The Leader

the pharm sisters

the generalized fuss

starfruit

rambutans

and then someone mentioned we shld hv brought a friend along that can climb trees.

off we set for Chek Jawa, a nature reserve on the east coast of Ubin, to catch the low tide at 9,45am. however, we got distracted along the way by this viewing tower.

what i meant was, we climbed it.

we later realised that it shakes with the wind.
huirei and Mr Green Fish

me and my pharm sister xq.

huirei commented tt smth is "missing". its pharm sister trio not duo.

so xq and i had no choice but to take with HR too.

(our leader commands)

me, solo.

mangrove swamp. we had a running commentary by Amy who told us of the wonderful adaptability of salt-excreting capabilities of the mangrove tree. then she went on to talk about breathing roots.

feels like a field-trip

we reached the coast and saw the Seagrass Lagoon (submerged) and also the Coral Rubble (also submerged)

so of course they looked kinda similar, namely

blue-ish

watery

no depth

after a bit of staring at the wide blue sea and imagining all the what-you-are-supposed-to-really-see under the sea, we finally reached the rest stop. which was rather quaint.

actually it looks not crowded but it was rather packed with ppl wearing red. national day mah. and someone offered us a hotdog bun. but we politely declined. then xq sulked at me.

LUNCH!

and we were so hungry we forgot to take pix

of my Moonlight Hor Fun

(which is actually Char Kway Teow with raw egg)

fancy nancy.

after lunch, to meet our Leader's objective, we went to see all the quarrys. so this is the first one and the most un-shiong and most accessible. minus the sweltering heat.

the Leader said she would sign our CCA cards after this.

and i was stopping every few moments. or rather skidding to a halt suddenly to snap pix. and ppl keep asking me if i'm alright. i think they tot my bike got problem, suddenly stall like tt. but bike no engine mah. its a voluntary stall.


and the terrain became rougher as we ventured into the road-less-travelled. really super duper bumpy.


ever wondered why our butts have 'cushions'?


now this one is called China Bowl. really very bumpy. but very beautiful.

then we had coconuts. then we decided to take the dirt path back to the jetty as it would bypass th swamp.

so this is the swamp.

and i saw a huge mudskipper the size of my hand.

we also ended up somewhere where we could see this mangrove islet. quite pretty. then we noticed that MainLand had a bout of shower. we went Wow.. then we went.. Uh Oh..

and it started to drizzle...

chaos

mad scramble

it drizzled but didnt pour (not like the last time pharm sisters had their canoe trip to ubin and it poured). so we cycled quickly back to the jetty. the path was really bumpy, crossed quite a few makeshift bridges, avoided low-lying branches. etc etc etc.

finally! the way out! no more bumpy road. as i took this pix, i realised smth.

the sign read :


For Public Safety, Track is Closed Until Further Notice

very funny siah, u close one end and dun close the other. best la.

The End

thanks to the painstaking-effort of our Leader HR

and Mr Green Fish who helped read the maps

and xq who makes all things fun

and amy who says all things fun

and HR sis & her bf for providing some sanity

(which we were hopeless at)

you look really good.

RAOUL:
'No more talk of darkness,
Forget thesewide-eyed fears.
I'm here,nothing can harm you -
my words will warm and calm you.

Let me beyour freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here,with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

CHRISTINE:
Say you love me
everywaking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me
with you, now and always...
promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you...

RAOUL:
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light.
You're safe: No-one will find you
-your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE:
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night...
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me...

RAOUL:
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
let me lead youfrom your solitude...
Say you need me
with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go,
let me go too -
Christine,thats all I ask of you...

CHRISTINE:
Say you'll share with me one love,
one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...

BOTH:
Share each day with me,
each night,
each morning...

CHRISTINE:
Say you love me...

RAOUL:
You know I do...

BOTH:
Love me -that's all I ask of you...

Anywhere you go
let me go too...
Love me-that's all I ask of you...

(CHRISTINE starts from her reverie)
CHRISTINE: I must go-they'll wonderwhere I am...Wait for me, Raoul!

RAOUL:Christine, I love you!

CHRISTINE:Order you fine horses! Be with them at the door!

RAOUL:And soon you'll be beside me!

CHRISTINE:You'll guard me, and you'll guide me...

(They hurry off.)